


Destiny

by Elise_Madrid



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-23
Updated: 2011-05-23
Packaged: 2017-10-19 17:36:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/203398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elise_Madrid/pseuds/Elise_Madrid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Existing in a loveless marriage with Lori Ciani and haunted by memories of his past, Admiral Kirk humors Lori’s suggestion that they visit a carnival psychic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Destiny

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published May, 2005 in T'hy'la 25.

Kirk turned off his terminal, glad to see the end of this particular chore. He’d forgotten how tedious some of his duties as captain could be. There were the normal requisitions for supplies, updates on repairs and requests for crew replacements and transfers that were part and parcel to running a ship. But on top of that were the reports he’d demanded from each department head. The ship was his again; all he needed do now was discover her all over again.

He got up and walked over to the credenza where glasses and a bottle of brandy were set up. He poured himself a drink and turned to survey his cabin while resting against the makeshift bar. The new quarters really were nice. Maybe a bit drab, but in time he’d stamp the room as his own. The large bed drew his eye; the room wasn’t the only thing he planned on reclaiming.

Spock. Kirk had patiently waited for the Vulcan to be released from sickbay, knowing his friend needed the time to regain his strength after his ordeal with V’Ger. As soon as the entity had disappeared, taking the Ilia probe and Will Decker with it, Spock had been forced back to medical, Dr. McCoy a step behind him.

They’d talked a few times, Kirk unable to stay away, but only of inconsequential and safe topics; sickbay was no place for an intimate conversation. You never knew who or when someone would walk in for another blood sample or to redo one of the battery of tests that had been forced on Spock. Other than that there had only been their brief conference with Nogura, grudgingly allowed by McCoy but only after demanding, and getting, Spock’s promise to immediately return to his bed.

So for a few minutes they had stood, side by side, their image viewed worldwide for publicity’s sake. Kirk had forgotten how good that felt, having his friend there beside him; he’d been reluctant to let Spock leave knowing that it would still be a few days before he got his science officer back for good. But the Vulcan had been given his freedom that morning and now it was finally time to discover if what they once had could be theirs again.

Kirk hadn’t thought so when the austere Vulcan had first appeared on the bridge. The flat visage Spock presented to him held no emotion at all. Any love Spock might have still felt for him was well hidden beneath that dark countenance and the rebuff had hurt. Until that moment, Kirk had convinced himself that his own feelings for Spock were long buried, never to see the light of day again. But they’d flared to life with the first sight of his one-time lover.

Where was Spock, anyway? Kirk glanced at the chronometer. Seventeen hundred hours. That answered that. The Vulcan’s sense of duty would keep him at his station until the last of the tests on the engines had been run. Kirk had at least two hours to wait.

With an exasperated sigh, he finished off his drink. _Might as well make good use of the time._ There was still his personal mail to go through, along with several boxes he hadn’t got around to unpacking.

He started on that first, giving in to the need to make his cabin more his own. He found a place for his books; this time around he really did have an office. The few pictures he’d brought he placed on his desk, along with the small crystalline sculpture he’d picked up along the way. Strange how he couldn’t remember exactly where. Perhaps Spock would remember. The rest of his clothes fit easily within the spacious closet.

Next he returned to his desk to tackle his mail. He knew what most of it was; dignitaries from all over Earth were sending him gifts of appreciation, as if he’d saved the planet all by himself. He wasn’t even sure what he was going to do with it all. But he continued sorting, amazed by how much there was. He picked up a small package, almost putting it aside as something that could wait for later, when the sender’s address caught his eye. More the lack of one; there wasn’t an address, only the post office where it had originated. No address and no name.

He tore open the small box. Whatever was inside had been heavily padded and sat, unseen, beneath layers of wrapping and a neatly folded note. Kirk raised the paper out of the box and brought it to his nose. A scent of lilac permeated the fine stationary.

The odor tugged at his memory. It reminded him of a dark, cloudy day and an abiding discontent. He slowly unfolded the letter. It was short and written in a graceful cursive.

 _Dear Captain Kirk,  
I saw you today and I remembered our unhappy meeting. Much has changed for you since then. Your image on the vidscreens, Earth’s saviour, is that of a man who has found his way back. I only needed to see the one at your side to know it to be true. Perhaps now, you will see what I saw that day._

 

There was no signature. Puzzled, Kirk lay the note aside and proceeded to dig through the layers of packing until he felt the rounded edges of the object nestled inside. He pulled it out. It was approximately six inches across, a slightly convex disc of polished stone. A slight moan escaped his lips when he saw the image somehow imbedded into its surface. He closed his eyes and remembered.

^^^^^

“Hurry up, Jim! She could decide to close at any minute!”

Kirk quickened his pace as he attempted to keep up with his wife. What had started out as a bright sunny day, filled with the promise of a second start, had quickly degenerated into a sky as overcast as their future together. Yet, he knew he would continue to try; it was all he had left.

The noises of the carnival were loud and the bright banners and stalls reminiscent of an earlier age; Kirk could almost believe himself back in the Middle Ages as players strolled by decked out in finery of that time. The Renaissance Fair was an old tradition, but one he’d never thought to attend. His interest in history didn’t extend that far and his gaze had always been fixed outward to the stars. The fact that he was here was just another indication of how much his life had changed.

He finally caught up to her, her dark hair blowing around her face in a alluring pattern, though from the look on Lori’s face he knew she found it merely annoying. She stood underneath the overhang of a brightly colored tent. Behind her, in bold letters of garish blue, read “Cassandra - Sees All, Knows All! Let her discover your destiny!”

“Is this what you dragged me out here to see?” he asked with humor in his voice. He wrapped his arm around her waist and gave her a quick hug.

Lori smiled and Kirk could see a flash of hope temporarily gain precedent over the fear and confusion that had shadowed her eyes for far too long. “Come on, Jim. It’ll be fun. Besides, don’t you want to know what the future will bring?”

“Not particularly. And even if I did, this isn’t exactly the place I’d come to find out. But if this is what will make you happy,” he bowed and with a sweeping motion opened the tent’s flap, “after you, my dear.”

He followed her into the darkened interior. An oriental rug covered the floor in a soft blend of colors that drew the eye. To one side sat a matching set of overstuffed chairs with a table set between them. The ornate brass lantern on its surface flickered from time to time, as if undecided if it would stay lit or not. The small chandelier on the right was doing no better; at least half the candles stuffed in its sconces were no more than smoking wicks. As he watched, another guttered and went out.

“Ooh, spooky,” Lori laughingly remarked as her gaze darted around the small enclosure.

Kirk chuckled and took a seat. “I guess we wait.”

Lori took another look around before sitting in the chair opposite him. “The sign says she should be open for another hour. I hope the weather didn’t make her decide to close early.”

“I don’t know why it would. She’s certainly safe enough in here.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “It might rain and people are starting to leave. Not everyone is as adventurous as we are.”

“Where did you hear about her, anyway?”

“Vivian told me about her. You remember Vivian, don’t you? Her husband is a building contractor; we sat with them awhile at Admiral Nogura’s last dinner party.”

Kirk remembered. Mostly he remembered a cool blonde who made no bones about furthering her husband’s career. Once she’d realized what Kirk’s position in Starfleet was, she’d cornered him and proceeded to push a meeting between him and her husband. He’d never have taken her for the type to believe in soothsayers. “She told you about this place?”

Lori nodded. “She knew I was looking for...something. Cassandra had helped her and she thought maybe she could do the same for me. And there were other things.”

“Other things?”

Her face colored. “Oh, Jim, it’s not like our having problems is a big secret.”

He was surprised to hear that, though he supposed he shouldn’t have been. Maybe he didn’t concern himself with other people’s personal problems but that didn’t mean no one else did. And his life in particular had always seemed to rouse curiosity. “No, I suppose it’s not,” he conceded. “So, how did this woman help her?”

“Cassandra is the one who finally got her to go for a complete physical. Without it, they’d never have found the MS in time. They caught it before any irreversible damage was done. She owes the woman her life.”

“Don’t you think that’s going a bit far? Vivian was probably already thinking about it and said something to the woman without realizing it.”

“No, Jim. Vivian swears she didn’t. Madame Cassandra just knew. She wouldn’t tell me everything the woman said to her but Vivian said it was as if she could tell what Vivian’s life would be like if she didn’t follow the correct path.”

“Correct path?”

“That’s how Cassandra put it to her.” Lori turned away, but Kirk could still see the wistful expression on her face and her next words seemed to be spoken only to herself. “That we all are faced with many paths but only one is the correct one.”

Kirk frowned. It disturbed him that their problems had brought the normally self-assured woman to this. He reached over and took his wife’s hand. It was slightly clammy and he couldn’t help but remember Spock’s silky dry touch. _Don’t. Don’t think about it; don’t think about him._ Kirk mentally shook himself and turned his attention back to his wife. She seemed lost in thought and so very far away. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing. I’m just being silly.”

“It doesn’t look like nothing.”

“Don’t worry about it, Jim.”

He caught the look on her face that told him he’d get nothing out of her until she was ready so he let it go and they sat in silence for awhile. But then she seemed to come to a decision. She straightened in his chair and turned to face him once again.

“Do you believe in destiny, Jim? Honestly?”

He was taken aback by the question but decided it deserved a serious answer. He thought for a few moments before responding. “No, I can’t say I do. I think our lives are whatever we make of them. But they’re what _we_ make of them, not some nebulous force. Whatever decisions we make, rather good or bad, well, we just have to live with the consequences, don’t we?”

“Do we? Or is it that we were supposed to make that decision? What if even the decisions we think of as bad eventually get us to where we’re supposed to be to begin with?”

“What are you talking about, Lori?”

She tightened her hold on his hand, at the same time lifting them to Kirk’s view to emphasize her point. “This is good, isn’t it? _We’re_ good, whatever the reason for our being together.”

Kirk could only stare at her. He didn’t like the direction this conversation was taking. It was too close to the myriad ones he’d had with himself over the past nine months.

Lori made an impatient gesture at his silence. “I know you don’t feel for me what I feel for you. I’ve known that from the very beginning.”

“Lori, don’t—”

“No, let me finish. I know you love me. That’s never been in question. But it’s like you’ve never really let me in, as if you decided from the very beginning that you and me together would never be enough for you. But it can be, Jim, if you’d let it.”

He looked away. She was right, though he’d tried to hide it from himself, viciously beating down any thought that he still might want Spock. It had worked for awhile; he could almost say he’d been happy. But he’d quit trying to fool himself months ago when he had found himself discontent and unsatisfied with his life. Apparently, he had been unable to fool Lori from the start. He did love her. He wasn’t that big a hypocrite. It just wasn’t the kind of love that lay claim to your soul and left you a hollow shell with its departure. Could he ever be satisfied with what he and Lori had?

He was so tired of fighting; fighting the yearning that overcame him at the very mention of his Vulcan lover, fighting memories of the five years that had been filled with joy and promise. He wanted to be happy again.

But first he had to win the battle his heart seemed to be having with his head. He had lost Spock. Was he so far gone that he was willing to live the rest of his life pining for something he couldn’t have? Maybe she was right; maybe this is where he’d been heading all along and Spock just a tragic misstep. His lover had certainly had no problem leaving him behind. To hell with the Vulcan. He’d snatch what happiness he could. “Lori, I—”

“You wish to know your destiny?” A low, whispery voice filtered from the back of the room.

They both started and looked up. A woman dressed in a long gray robe stood in front of the heavy drapes that divided off the back of the tent. Her head was covered with a cowl, so her features were indistinct, but her voice sounded young and the robe which covered her from neck to ankle was snugged against a trim body with a piece of heavy twine at its waist.

With a slightly awkward movement, Lori disengaged her hand from Kirk’s and stood up. “Are you Cassandra?”

The woman nodded, hiding her face even more. “If you will follow me?” She turned slightly and opened the curtain just enough for a person to walk through. From his seat Kirk could just make out a room even darker than the one they presently occupied, the only light a lone candle steadily burning on a table set in the middle of the shadowed enclosure.

Lori hesitated and then turned to Kirk. “Are you really all right with this?”

He gave her an encouraging smile. “Of course I am. Go on, go get your fortune told. You can tell me all about it afterwards.”

She returned his smile and then resolutely followed the smaller woman into the back. Kirk watched the drape close behind them, caught between relief and uneasiness. If he didn’t know better, he could almost believe the woman’s entrance had been timed to disrupt their conversation. And he couldn’t quite rid himself of the idea that she had done him a favor.

^^^^^

Kirk stood at the doorway of the tent, watching people scramble for cover. The promise of rain had been fulfilled and the dusty thoroughfares were quickly turning into quagmires of mud. He let the flap fall close, returning to the pacing he had given off earlier.

What was taking so long? How long did it take to shuffle a few cards, or whatever it was this particular fortune teller used, and give the customer the hocus-pocus they were expecting? It had been at least thirty minutes since Lori had disappeared into the back room with their enigmatic host. Only an occasional murmur escaped from behind the thick drapes to give him any clue as to how things were proceeding. He thought he’d heard a cry earlier and had almost barged into the back until common sense overrode his knee-jerk reaction. If anything had been really wrong, Lori was more than capable of letting him know.

A slight fluttering of the curtains drew his attention. Cassandra stood at the opening, alone.

“Where’s my wife?” he asked, impatience giving way to anger.

“She has left. It is now your turn.” The woman held out her hand as if expecting Kirk to follow her unquestioningly.

“I don’t want my fortune told.” His eyes narrowed. “How did she get out of here? I never saw her go.”

“She wished for time alone so I allowed her to depart through the back.” Cassandra stretched her hand out further. “Come, it is time.”

“I told you, I’m not interested.” He wheeled away, determined to leave.

“Do not be afraid. What I offer cannot harm you.”

Her words stopped him at the doorway, his hand just lifting the tent’s flap. “You think I’m afraid?”

“Are you not running? Have you not been running?”

He turned slowly around, not sure if pride or something else was making him stay. “And what exactly have I been running from?”

“That, only you can say. My gift can only shine a light onto a defining moment of your life. The lodestar of your destiny, if you like.”

“Is that what you showed Lori? Is that why she ran away?”

The woman gave a slight shrug. The motion made her seem more human and Kirk found himself relaxing in her presence.

“Different people see different things. But whatever she saw, she had the courage to seek it out. Can you say the same?”

He didn’t answer; instead, he stepped forward and took her hand.

^^^^^

The curtain closed behind him and it took a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the gloom. Finally, he made out a small table in the center of the room, though the candle on its surface threw off inadequate light to see much else. The woman didn’t appear to have a problem with the dark and easily made her way around to take the chair on the far side of the table.

Feeling slightly ridiculous, with a resigned sigh Kirk sat in the one facing her. “Now what?”

The woman pushed the cowl off her head and Kirk almost gaped. She was beautiful. Wide-set green eyes dominated a face the color of porcelain. Her lips were full and generous, her hair a curling cascade of burnished copper.

“Whatever is next,” she responded coolly.

“Aren’t you supposed to tell me that?” He leaned back in the chair, unconsciously turning on the charm. He couldn’t deny his attraction to her; how could he not be? She was everything he now found desirable. The days of petite blondes was long gone, blasted away by the force of Spock’s appeal.

She smiled then and the room seemed to lighten. “I could almost wish to be the one who waits for you.”

He barely managed to keep the shock from his face. “No one waits for me.”

“Why do you hide from what is there for all to see? You delude only yourself. It is so beautiful. I don’t understand why you would wish to deny its existence.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t think I want to know.” He started to stand up.

“Wait, please.” She grabbed his hand. “Let me show you. Surely it would not hurt you to allow this small thing.”

He settled back in his chair. “Why does it mean so much to you?”

She tilted her head in a motion he found startlingly heartbreaking. “It is what I am, _who_ I am. I could no more turn away from this than you could the stars.”

“But I did, I did turn away from them.”

“Yes,” she answered solemnly, “and at what cost? Please, allow me this.”

Their gazes locked and Kirk felt himself nod in agreement.

“If you would allow me a moment?” She didn’t wait for an answer but placed their joined hands on the table and closed her eyes.

Kirk watched the woman until their surroundings intruded, the strange decor pulling his eyes from her. The entire room was draped in thick curtains of midnight blue; barely discernible were the painted-on stars and clouds that broke up its expanse. The floor was covered with a rich carpet, black and deeply piled. All in all, it gave the impression of an endless night.

He felt her fingers tighten around his hand and he looked back. Her eyes were still closed but she was frowning and her breath had quickened. Her other hand rested on some object that Kirk could swear had not been there before. He leaned forward to get a better look. Its appearance was that of a slab of pumice, though he doubted that’s what it was. Off-white and dull, its edges were rough and brittle, small pieces breaking off as her fingers groped their way around its circumference.

For the longest time nothing happened. It was taking all he had not to fidget and he gave a startled jump when the candle flickered and died. Enveloped by darkness, the sound of their breathing seem to amplify; yet Kirk could hear nothing from outside. It was as if they were in a vacuum.

He felt alone, adrift with only his thoughts for company. And suddenly he found himself thinking yet again of Spock. What would the Vulcan think of him now, so far gone that he had been persuaded to look for what he had lost in a fortune teller’s tent?

Did Spock even think of him anymore? Did he remember as Kirk did the nights in each others arms? Unbidden, an image of them locked in an embrace, their naked bodies writhing together, inundated him, swamping his senses. His world tilted in a flash of vertigo and suddenly he was there once more, Spock’s red-draped room a cocoon of heat and musk, the place that meant home. His lover held him tight and he could feel the Vulcan’s heavy organ slide against his own. Long fingers grazed slowly over his body, setting his nerves on fire. He moaned when his lover’s hand finally settled on his buttocks and began to fondle his flesh.

Kirk gasped and his whole body jerked when a finger slid against his anus and gently pushed in. He threw back his head, letting himself get caught up in the intimate caress. He didn’t care how this had come to be; all that mattered was that he was with Spock again. Over his moans he could hear Spock whispering to him. The words were indistinct but that didn’t matter; Kirk knew what was in his lover’s heart.

He wanted it to go on forever; he’d missed this, missed Spock, more than he’d dare admit. But Spock’s touch, Spock’s heat, was more than he could stand against and finally he cried out and fell into orgasm. As he let go of consciousness, he felt the tender kisses that played across his brow...and he felt love.

He came to in darkness. It only took a moment for him to understand it had all happened in his mind; his lover had not returned to him. Anger warred with a crushing disappointment. So unfair, that the woman dared give him this, that he could still feel betrayed by its loss.

Almost immediately the room began to lighten. He realized its source was the stone beneath Cassandra’s hand. No longer dull and lifeless, it gently pulsated, its edges even and glimmering with a blue light. She had released his hand and his arm tingled slightly. He gazed stupidly at his palm and then began to slowly rotate his hand back and forth, almost afraid to find some effect of what had transpired left behind, yet disappointed when he did not. When the woman stood he looked up, still slightly dazed.

She turned her back to him and slowly raised the transfigured disc above her head. It shone like a beacon against the false sky. Kirk bit back a cry; it was him and Spock, together, at that moment when he’d finally realized what it truly was he felt for his friend. His heart ached for that lost moment and for the promised future they’d thrown away.

He couldn’t take anymore. With a low moan he stumbled from the room, knocking over his chair in his haste. He ran from the tent and from the truth he could not face. He didn’t stop until exhaustion overtook him. Only then did he turn his thoughts to home and what he would find there.

^^^^^

Kirk gently lowered the disc back into the box. He retrieved the wrapping and began to reclose the package. He took his time, being very careful not to crush the precious gift inside. Once done he got up and walked over to his closet. He opened the sliding door and placed the box on the top shelf.

He returned to his office only to gather his drink before settling in one of the more comfortable chairs that graced the front area. He needed time to think. He glanced at the chronometer. Not much time left.

He remembered his frantic flight from the Fair; the crushing ache in his chest only a minor hindrance as he fought to put as much distance between himself and the woman as he could. She’d seen a part of his soul only one other had ever seen and he felt as if she’d ripped him open and exposed his pain for all the world to see.

He walked for what seemed miles, and it had taken some time, but eventually he’d tried to put it in some kind of perspective. Maybe he hadn’t seen exactly what he thought he’d seen. It wasn’t possible, was it, for her to pluck a memory from his mind and somehow transfer it into reality? The room was dark; the disc could have shown him anyone and he would have automatically seen himself and Spock. That’s what he wanted to see.

He’d turned toward home then, not realizing that his life had already started on a new path. He never knew what Lori had seen; she refused to tell him. Whatever it was, it had scared her...a lot. The note left sitting on the coffee table in their living room only said it was over between them. She’d gone to a friend’s and she wasn’t coming back. The following Monday the movers came for her things.

Such a short time ago, less than three months. Now she was dead and his life had once again edged closer to its correct course. He smiled sadly as he realized just how inevitable had been their parting. He’d hidden it from her and himself but there was only one place he truly belonged, only one person who was his other half. He couldn’t hide from that anymore; he didn’t want to.

Kirk rose at the sound of the buzzer. He turned for a moment to stare at where he knew the disc still glowed. Maybe he’d show it to Spock one day. Not today, though. They had other things to concern themselves with and they had all the time in the world. He knew that now. He pivoted resolutely as the door opened and stepped forward to meet his destiny.

 

Finis

 

  
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